punkreflections (punkreflections) wrote in blunt_razors,

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3 years and counting

So I've just recently decided to start posting again in the communities I used to frequent. I took alook at another site the other day. and I was in complete shock.. not at what I was seeing.. the 'triggering' images, or the reading the painful posts. I was in shock at my own immediate reaction. I didn't have to convince myself to feel anything this time. What I felt came naturally.. and it was a complete surprise to me.

I felt sick.

I'm not judging, anyone.. I swear. Its not about that. Its just... for someone like me, who used to savor these kinds of pictures, {hell.. i even took pictures of my own self injury, and treated them as a prize possesion} >>> it was a shock to myself that I don't think this way anymore. That seeing these images doesnt make me feel anything other than completely sad for myself, and those people.. for what they are going through. Im not casting judgements on anyone, and its not about pity. I just know that when I was doing that to myself.. deep deep down. Beyond the lies I told myself about loving it.... I know I wasn't happy....

and I read the comments on those pictures.. and it just makes me really sad.

Im not trying to be a hypocrite. Not at all. I just see both sides I guess. I remember a time where I cherised my depression.. my secret. and I felt like nothing was ever going to change. I was never going to regret my scars. Thankfully, something inside me knew that one day I might not want them. And I controlled where.. and how deep.. and how noticable my scars might be one day. And thankfully, the worst ones are hidden always.. high up on my leg. and No, I dont have to worry about short shorts or skirts or a bathing suit. At least not in the forseeable future. Its not my style. But I know alot of people struggle with it Post SI.. hiding scars.. or being self conscious of their scars. And I just think.. goddamn.. some of the scars I seen on some people. are just never going to go away. and its sad. because one day, they may regret them like I do.

anyway, kind of a longer post than I intended. Its been 3 years since I self injured. mainly my whole point here, is that things do get better.

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